The beers last night were like the tears from god
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
