Umm I'm too high to move.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
