After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
