I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i just sent this text using only my big toe
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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