His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
