Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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