I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
So vagazzling was a success
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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