Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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