Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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