I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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