someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
