I think my fart just growled at me.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
