Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
