I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
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Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
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Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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