just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.