after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.