i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
These 23 Groupies Had The Most Insane Sexual Experiences With Celebs
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
35 Of The Funniest Things People Said While Banging
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime