dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
