He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
then he tried to convert me to islam
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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