You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
