Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
