I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
