he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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