is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
