i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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