I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
