Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
