my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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