I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
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