I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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