I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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