he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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