Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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