I just threw up on my dentist
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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