I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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