I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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