I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
