Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
