she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
