I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
