u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Randomize
