Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
