i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
