god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
