Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
