you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
