My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
