made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
