i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
