You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Someone signed my nipple.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
