only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
