you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
