I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
