I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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