WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
