what day is it and did you see me today?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
