Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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