Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
