Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
