Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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