Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
